Facades

I'm never going to get anywhere, right?

I will be lost forever?
It's rather sad considering how much time has gone by.

A pathetic loser.
I never knew the meaning until today.

The depression has gotten so bad that I yearn to be alone,
so I can cry at no end because I have no one.
I want to get rid of everybody in my life so I can weep?

Does this all make me retarded.. in a medical terminology.

Literally retarded?

I'm so unhappy.. I don't want to cry anymore.
I don't want to push people who matter away from me.
But I'm trapped in a void.

It's neverending and the bad part is...

I'm feeding it's vein to keep it alive.

I'm dwelling in a ball of darkness that I've created
and GOD forbid, any man who comes close with one speck
of light, will be blown back.

Just so I can dwell in the darkness.

It sounds like a ridiculous superhero movie.
Can I die already?
Can I be reborn with a second chance?
A second chance to love?
A second chance to inspire?
A second chance to truly be happy?

The facade is too old, and it's crumbling..
my core is showing more and more,
day after day , and it has gotten to a point in my life
where I have forgotten how old I am.

It slapped me when I heard myself say 22.

I still feel like I am 15, when it all started, and my innocence
was taken away from me.

I'm so angry..
so fucking hurt, because I can't get it back.

I can't make people love me.
I can't make myself stop hurting.
I can't go back in time.
I can't change.
I can't breathe.
I can't see.
I can't..

I can't..

I can't..
When all I ever really want to do is LIVE.

I'm shrouded in so much evil, it's impossible to
forgive
forget
change.

I'm Dating Déjà vu

Really. Am I the blame for everything?
Such an odd starter blog, I know but, This is my only salvation right now.

I don't know much else to say right now considering none of you will even know what's going on.
In short, it's the obvious, I dated a few guys in my lifetime, it didn't work out, then I met a new guy and thought all was well.. and of course I hit a dead end.

It makes me wonder about things as a whole.
Do we ever learn from these mistakes? Or do we continuously do the same shit until we meet the right person who understands and cherish those "mistakes"?

Sometimes I believe there is no such thing as learning.

Burning? Sure..

Learning? No..

We know what we do and none of us ever believe that what we do is truly wrong on our parts so we continue.
We continue to do the things we did before..
We continue to say the things we've said before..
We continue to remain the same..
We continue getting burned, one person after the other until one glorious day, we miraculously meet someone who will worship it and love it til it bleeds.

So in other words,
For the past 6 months I have been dating Déjà vu.
You know what that means, Another burn to go along with the rest of the scars.