Flame

You know what drives me insane the most?

The fact that my life is not in order, AT ALL.

I live in America, right? So I should have more opportunities than this.

Of course, I am not trying as hard as I probably should, so I guess I can blame myself for becoming easily discouraged.

I hate having to be the one with LOGIC and reasoning. I hate the fact that I am EXPECTED to keep my cool at all times while everybody else just act like assholes. How do they get to do what they do and have SO MUCH in life? How do they deserve it with the way they're treating other people?

Yes, I'm questioning my faith because honestly if there were a GOD, then the bible and all the scriptures are a lie fabricated by man. We are taught to live be these "rules" or "commandments" yet reap NOTHING from it.

I figure I will touch an aggravating spot to those who believe and have hope/faith in people.

I do not have hope/faith in people. They do nothing but let you down. Maybe it's me letting myself down, either way I am still only a person and that equates BACK to the original mindset that having hope/faith in a person is pointless.

Yeah, I don't know where I see myself in 5 years. I should honestly have goals and plans.

I know one thing, if I get out of this situation that I'm in, I will NEVER put myself back into it. I have better self-control than one might think. I know how to move on, I just don't know how to get the gears moving.

Sounds rather stupid, I know. Yet, it's truth.

I read that my negative attributes are hypocrisy in a numerology book. As much as I loathe that word, that connotation is correct. I tell others to keep their head up, that there is a brighter side to life.. yet I don't do it.. I don't believe it.

It feels as though it's been programmed into my mind because so many other people have told me this, so it may as well be true.. right?

More than most times I believe it's WRONG.

I was doomed since I was born.

Holistic Number For Sin Singh

Your holistic number represents the total sum of yout birth day, month and year. This number reveals your life purpose or challenge with its positive and negative attributes. By understanding your holistic number, you can come to a greater level of self-awareness. Calculating your personal holistic number is a simple process. All you need to do is add all the digits together one by one.

I was born July 3rd, 1986 or 7/3/1986

So I add 7 + 3 + 1 + 9 + 8 + 6 = 34

3 + 4 = 7

My personal holistic number is 7

What does it say for my holistic number?

The number 7 dynamic is intuition and the mental/rational.

Some of the positive attributes of the number 7 are honesty and trust, discriminative powers, attention to detail, methodology, and ingenuity.

Analytical and thoughtful, number 7 individuals are self-absorbed and reflective, with the ability to perfect and be precise.

Your autonomous perspective indicates that you are also self-reliant and assertive.

As you prefer to make your own decisions, you frequently learn best through personal experience.

If you tend to be oversensitive and insecure, you become aloof or withdrawn.

When you are unable to communicate your feelings, you may also feel misunderstood.

An ability to differentiate and refine suggests that although you can easily turn into a fault-finding individual, you can excel in improving on existing systems.

being well informed and meticulous implies that you enjoy gathering information and have an excellent memory.

you are good at self-analysis and seek greater self-awareness, which suggests that for you, quality time alone is often important for introspection; however, be careful to avoid isolation.

Your interest in reading, writing, or spirituality is usually a source of inspiration and broadens your horizons.

This desire to gain understanding may include education and the academic world or research in a specialized field.

Although intuitive, number 7 individuals can indulge in overrationalization, which results in becoming lost in details.

This in turn brings lack of faith or creates self-doubt and insecurities.

Although you have a tendency to be private, enigmatic, or secretive, you are inquisitive and often ask subtle questions, without letting anyone know what you really think.

The challenges for number 7 are suspicion, insincerity, secretiveness, skepticism, confusion, being too critical, detachment, and being unfeeling.

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Wow, that's a lot to ingest.. But majority is truth.

I do shut myself out from the world. I doubt anybody understands me in any way, shape, or form.

I almost feel alien in this world.

Not Able To Be Me

Honestly this feeling is a bit horrendous. Feeling like something completely different than what I am. Even the way I look is different than how I want it to be in my mind.

It's quite sad.. I never thought I'd go through an identity crisis in my life but it is something that I have felt for a long ass time. Always hated who I was, what I look like, and everything around me and about me. For years having to deal with this makes me think I will never get over it and love myself. I'm going to always cry. I'm always going to be in pain. I'm always going to hate myself, and nothing is going to change that.

I don't even see myself having this family that I have.. Whilst I love my mother dearly, forever & always.. I feel like she shouldn't have been my mother.

If I was supposed to have this life then maybe I shouldn't have been able to live. I don't even know what to say about that anymore. I'm not happy. I'm not content nor will I ever be so long as I look this way, live this way, feel this way.